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Friday, July 7th, 2006
8:51 am - Babies!
My friend Sarah had a beautiful little baby girl last night! Tiffany Jade. So gorgeous, and I'm freakin' proud of Sarah...9lbs 4oz and no tearing at all! She was a sweet thing, I held her and talked to her and she just looked at me...amazing. I'll write more on this and everything else later, but lately I've really been having baby fever, and pretty seriously too. I don't really think its a phase either. But at the same time its tough because I don't think that I'm really going to have the option for a long time, unless I plan on doing it on my own. Yeah, kind of a weird place to be right now, feeling funny about a lot of stuff. I know this is all vague, but hopefully this weekend I'll get some time to write. Right now though I'm going on 3 1/2 hours of sleep and I'm already ready for a nap. A whole day to go though...

current mood: tired

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Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
11:51 am - To make her smile...
Here Robyn, thought this might make you happy. Activated. :)

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Sunday, April 9th, 2006
2:32 pm - the days won't ever truly get brighter...
Just when I think its okay, that we're both going to ove on healthily...just when I think that I'm going to finally be able to treat her the way she needs me to be...it all goes to shit. I have spent a lot of this weekend in tears. I'm going to have to figure out new living arrangements pretty soon. Oh, and did I mention that things are ending terribly in my mind? Yes, I've lost her now...she says I haven't really, but I can't help but feel any other way. My best friend is pretty much gone, I had to ask for a friendship from her today. I can't read her LJ anymore, or rather I'm going to have to force myself not to with every ounce of strength within me, and I will not do it...she's already warned me that I won't like what I see. I feel like the most horrible person on the planet, and deep down I feel like I can't be that bad, but there's just no other explanation. I feel like I'm incapable of being good to someone. I haven't eaten a thing since Friday night. And now I have something starting with Meg to some degree, and I can't help but want to distance myself because will I hurt her too? Because I'm not anything but a fuck up. Over and over again a fuck up. I am punishing myself for this, and even though people shouldn't do that, I will. Somehow, because I feel like I need to pay for the pain I've caused her, cause no matter how unintentional it was I still hurt her and she shouldn't be the only one paying. I sort of want to just move now, move far away to some new state, erase all of my fuck ups and try to start from scratch. But then again, what would that do? Just put me in a new place where I'd fuck up again. Yep, here's to a beautifully fucking wretched existence.

current mood: fucked up

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Friday, April 7th, 2006
4:41 pm - girl stories...
So, turns out I was wrong about the MySpace girl. One e-mail asking her what was going on and why she took me out and I was suddenly right back in again and she was asking for my phone number. After carefully but really honestly just letting her know that my heart was still healing, I told her that as long as she knew that and was okay with it that we could talk more. Ended up talking to her for quite awhile last night. She's really cool, and nice. She asked to take me out next weekend, which is exciting. She told me that since she'd had to wait so long to talk to me that I needed to keep both nights open. Very cute. And I've been able to let Robyn know things about it and be up front and she hasn't had bad reactions or made me feel bad about it no matter how unintentionally cause my feelings get hurt SUPER easy these days. But things have been so great with us. Which is good, cause she really is one of my best friends, and if I can't share in this stuff with her then it just feels so uncool. So yes, we have been getting along so well, and last night she even went out with Melanie and I didn't trip. Not on her and more amazingly, not inside myself. I was really calm and cool the whole night and wasn't focusing on it. Made me feel really good about the place I'm getting to, cause I want both of us to be good to each other and this is starting to show me that I really can be good to her. I like that. Exciting things on the horizon. Today, life doesn't seem all that bad.

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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
2:24 pm - Watch out, it goes on forever!
Well, today is a little weird. Feeling physically off today, not sure why or even how almost. Its odd.

Got lots on my mind, gonna try and streamline it as best I can. Streamline. I must like that word, I think I’ve used it in quite a few updates recently. :-)

Things at home have been going well. Robyn and I seem to be getting along better everyday. We’ve been talking through some big issues. Conversations usually can’t really fully finish, just lots of stuff to continually work through and build upon. I’m glad though. Even though working to get to just a friendship level has been super tough, and will continue to be for awhile, I’m so glad that’s the route we are taking. She’s so important to me that it’s crazy.

Robyn’s going to go to dinner with Melanie soon, which is going to be really hard. I’m glad for her though, I really am, even though its tough to say that. I got all upset just cause Melanie was going to give her a ride the other day when she didn’t have a car. I know that this needs to happen, because our feelings for each other are both going to continue to be super intense until we both get out there and honestly start exploring options. Its tough though, cause my heart still wants to be right there with her. And I don’t welcome her dating Melanie, but Melanie or no Melanie the feelings and emotions would still be around if it was her or someone else. I can’t help but think its stronger because its her, but ultimately I don’t know if that’s true. I think my heartstrings would be tugged no matter what. And it sounds weird, cause I don’t want to have strong emotions and deal with both of us moving into the dating stuff, but then again I want them to just come on so that I can deal with them and move forward. Its probably always going to hurt a bit while we’re still living together, but the pain won’t be as intense eventually, and I know that.

Speaking of dealing with intense pain and emotion and stuff I’m really thinking about getting on some medication for awhile. I just want to feel more stable and balanced, and not being in the place I am right now where some days I wake up and have no idea what’s wrong with me but everything feels wrong. Plus, I’d like to not have such ranges of emotions because I think that it will really help in getting Robyn and I’s relationship back to a healthy place. The healthier I am, the healthier everything will work in every part of my life, including one of the most important things to me right now: my relationship with her.

I’ve had some worry on my mind about my friend Mary. She’s got some pretty serious medical issues going on. First off, she has a blood disease that she’ll have for the rest of her life that she has to be super medicated for. Her blood just doesn’t produce something she needs. And here’s the big one: she has a tumor in her brain. It’s the same tumor that got so big a few months back that she had symptoms resembling a stroke and was hospitalized and almost paralyzed. It gets bigger and smaller daily, it hurts her all the time, and there’s tons of meds for that too. She’s going to California this Saturday for a few days to have a serious neurologist examine it and do some other things. I’m just really worried about the whole thing, I really don’t want her to die. And of course there’s a huge part of me that thinks she’ll go off to California and something bad will happen to her poor brain and she’ll never come back. That sounds so morbid, but that’s where my mind goes. Worry.

Finally got internet back at my house yesterday, so hopefully I’ll be updating more and keeping up with my other fun releases like MySpace. Speaking of MySpace, there was a girl on there who had written me awhile ago and told me I was beautiful. I had exchanged a few e-mails with her and she asked to go to coffee or for me to come out to Wall Street (the local lez bar) one night so we could hang out. I never did anything about meeting her and all that cause I was just waiting to get some more stuff figured out at home and in my head and then the internet went out. Went on MySpace yesterday and she hadn’t written or commented in quite awhile and had taken me out of her Top 8. Think I might have missed my chance there. I guess that’s alright, I wasn’t ready then, and other things will come along, but she was really nice.

Been having issues with my co-workers being really rude to me. Two of them apologized today though, thank God, so I think everything is looking up here. Been in training and am super behind at work. Plus, I got three cases assigned in one week! That’s intense, just in case you were wondering. Considering some new options for school, but that’s gotta be another update altogether. Still missing Christine, but she called me the other day and I got to talk to her and hear her voice for a bit which was really nice. Getting some old debts paid off which feels really good. Oh, and I got three cavities filled today!

Streamlining? Yeah, doesn’t look like I really did from the size of the entry, and there’s so much more to say really, but that will have to wait. Just writing all that stuff out felt good, smiling a bit more now, hopefully I will make the best of the rest of this sunny day. :-)

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Thursday, March 30th, 2006
9:54 am
So, this song kinda makes "loneliness" into a person or sorts, a strange companion that people get too close to at times, almost depending on it as if it is the only "person" that understands you...heard it this morning and felt like it was almost talking to me.

"What's Up Lonely"

I'm gettin' kinda close to you
Like a shadow I can't lose (he-ey-ey)
You've been hanging with me everyday (ay-ay)
Now your getting in my way-yeahh

I know you understand me
But don't you think that maybe
It's time to move on

What's up lonely
Seems your my only friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What it gonna take
For you to leave me alone today

Just when I think that your gone
Your in the mirror looking back at me

So whats up lonely

Sometimes, i wish you weren't by my side,
can't you find another shoulder cause i
i wanna leave this broken heart behind,
we're both waisten to much time

Find someone else to rain on,
i'm really gettin tired of singin this sad song

whats up lonely, seems your my only
friend who wants to
share my pain
Tell me heartache
whats it gonna take
for you to leave me alone today

just when i think that your gone
your in the mirror lookin back at me
so whats up lonely

don't wanna give you a reason, to hang around anymore
you won't be hurtin my feelins
if you find another broken heart you can lean on

Gotta go, gotta move on
Gotta go, gotta move on
just leave me alone

What's up lonely
Seems you're my only friend
Who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What's it gonna take?
For you to leave me alone today
Just when i think that you're gone, yea
You're in the mirror lookin back at me
So what's up lonely?

Gotta go, gotta move on
Gotta go, gotta move on
Hey, yea, hey

What's up lonely
Seems you're my only friend
Who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What's it gonna take?
For you to leave me alone today
Just when i think that you're gone, yea
You're in the mirror lookin back at me
So what's up lonely?

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Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
12:58 pm
Ok, so I haven't updated in forever again. Let me try and streamline it.

Jessi came out and was here from 3/17-3/21. It was so much fun. I miss having my good friends around me like that all the time, but I'm so incredibly thankful for the strong relationship we still have. And we drank out of glasses with some molded tits and asses on them! How effing cool is that?

Christine went back to California. I think that it was the right decision, and absolutely necessary, because she was acting out pretty insanely at home and wasn't respecting Robyn at all. That's not fair to Robyn and there's no reason why she should endure it more. Of course I'm wondering how much of my needy and crazed actions over the past few months aided in her actions which erupted around the same time, can't help but feeling at fault and guilty. I will always absolutely love and adore that girl though. I had to take her to the airport cause Robyn had to work and I walked her down the terminal and watched her walk on to the jetway. It was really hard for me, and still is. Things are calmer and more peaceful at the house, but I miss her like something terrible. And there's this huge part of me that is so worried that when I hugged her that day I was hugging her for the last time. I'm not "family" anymore, or entitled to ever get the chance or opportunity to see her again, but she'll always be Robyn's sister. So that's been hard, just the fear that she's gone out of my life forever. But no matter what happens, and I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about it now with recent changes at home, but in any case no matter what happens I will always love that kid so much.

Robyn and I have been having lots of emotional ups and downs lately. I told Robyn last night that I want to have a relationship with her no matter what, and its so true. She is way too important to me, I need to and want to salvage whatever I can. I want her in my life. I want her in my life without me hurting her and without me hurting. We're talking so much more now, so I do feel like we can get there, but this stuff is just burdensome. Talked last night and had to come to the agreement that we're not going to be together anymore, no matter what, until sometime down the road if we've healed and she trusts me again. Well, I added the no matter what, because if I don't I'm not going to be able to just do what I need to do. This whole thing is so hard. There's a few people interested in me now, and that's been a hard thing to deal with. I didn't search out and find them, but now they are around and presenting problems. One being my good friend Mary. Ended up kissing a few weeks ago. Now everythings all jacked up. Ended up lying to Robyn about having kissed her because for some insane reason I thought that would help the situation? Who knows what I was thinking. And now she told me that I'm ripping her heart out with these choices, and that she views Mary and Melanie as equals and she is respecting me and was told that she shouldn't have anything going on with Melanie until we moved out, and here I am doing everything she was told not to. Touche. What am I to say to that? I'm pretty torn about this whole thing, cause now I don't know where my relationship with Mary will stand. Like I said, nothing was invited to happen, but it did, and now if I hang out with her much anymore there's a chance it could happen again I suppose, or something more develops than the very minimal stuff that is there now, and then I would hurt her more. I pretty much don't know what to do and I'm really upset about it. I want everyone to be happy, EVERYONE...including myself.

Had three counseling appointments so far in the past week. Just met with the school one and it looks like I'm probably taking a leave of absence from school and all classes. Yuck. I bit the big one here. I've now taken out over 20,000 in school loans for this academic year and have gotten no credits out of it at all. In fact, I've lost 4 credits. I know this is what I need to do right now, but the fact that I'm gonna be paying off an extra 20,000 over the course of my lifetime is really defeating.

Work is going really well, busy busy busy, but I love it. About to have a crazy busy afternoon with appointments and blah blah blah. Working out finances, gotta pay some bills, gotta smile more. :-) Probably gonna go tutor my friend Sandy on the games section for her LSAT tonight and then grab a drink at a local gay bar. I even think that Saturday night after her practice Robyn and I are gonna get wasted and then grab some food at one of our favorite hangouts. I'm trying with everything in me to get my life back...and I'm still smiling!

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Friday, March 17th, 2006
10:11 am - Someone should pinch me...
One, because I'm not wearing green. And two, to see if I'm actually awake and this hell truly is my life.

Everything's a mess. Namely, me. Saw the counselor, got preliminarily diagnosed with major depression and a possible need for medication. (Which, after my breakdown and thoughts that were happening in my head last night, I think the medication may be more needed than I originally thought). Got a recommendation for ongoing counseling from a center that deals with exclusively gay & lesbian issues, which is kinda cool. Christine is going back to California, lots of reasons, but none of them really matter cause its just sad. Been crying and sobbing a lot lately, hurting Robyn's feelings and getting into fights. Yeah, lots of shit on my plate. Too much. I'm trying to really push myself to move on from her, cause I really do feel like every day she is further and further from wanting to be back together with me, but maybe its just me. Anyway, who knows, I feel like I'm holding on to a false hope 99% of the time, so trying to push it away. Oh yes, and I feel like I've completely ruined her life and Christine's life. Feeling very very guilty, sad, selfish, and upset. Fun combo.

And its hard to be in this pain, or allow myself to express it the way that I want to, because everyone in that household is going through a lot of emotions right now. Everyone is hurt and sad. I don't know, I probably sound halfway insane.

In any case, there are still some positives in my life. My job. And the fact that Jessi is getting here to visit me tonight! Some mindless fun, that's what I need for sure. I hate everything else. :)

current mood: exhausted

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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
3:19 pm
Haven't updated in a week it looks like, funny enough I thought I was actually starting to get back to a more happier healthier version of me...gone. I'm just in a puddle today. I feel like I'm in this complete despair. I'm not actually suicidal, but I really just don't feel like living anymore.

current mood: discontent

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Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
6:46 pm - not doing so well....but working to be better?

So, I think I'm pretty seriously depressed. 

Depression.  Always something I've feared, and something that at times in my life I've honestly believed could be controlled.  Wish that was true, really wish it was.  Over the last five days I've felt myself spiraling downward, and in a way that I can't control it, predict it, or in any way stop it.  Its scary to me actually.

And somehow, today has been better than yesterday.  I've only smoked 2 cigarettes as compared to a horribly disgusting 7 yesterday.  Its something, right?

current mood: absolutely blank...

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Monday, March 6th, 2006
1:56 pm - One of these days...
One of these days I swear to God that I'm going to stop making people mad at me without intending to. One of these days...

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Sunday, March 5th, 2006
12:01 am - she really must care about me...
god, i had one of those major mood swings tonight. i don't really even remember ever doing something like this before. but i had been hanging out with robyn and christine all day and having a really good time, when all of the sudden after i ran a few errands i started feeling all irritated. then the irritation that i can attribute to nothing turned to meanness and by the end of the night i was crying. and she just listened, and at the end of the night still hugged me and told me she loved me. im really glad that i still have her in my life, girlfriend or not she's still just a really caring person.

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
8:10 pm
I'm so sick of being sad. I'm so tired of feeling hurt and reading into every comment ever made and then hurting more. So sad that I feel this heaviness on my everywhere I go. I'm battling it so well and pushing it away, but its this constant ceaseless battle. And I wonder, will it ever end?

And I still miss her.

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Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
6:21 pm - I think this entry will be long by the time I'm through...
I miss her so much.

Everything seems to be so different sometimes. Our relationship just isn't the same, it just feels so different. She looks into my eyes and my heart melts, I want to kiss her so bad but its off limits. And it gets so hard sometimes, so hard to believe that it had to happen this way...and that the feelings are still really there for her, because it seems so easy for her not to have to try and give in like I do. She's so much stronger, and I'm hanging on well, with a hand slipping every now and then.

I'm doing so much better with this breakup than the ones before, doing so much better and trying to really treat myself well and respect myself as a person. But I still just feel so sad and defeated sometimes, like I lost everything that ever mattered. I was watching an episode of the L Word last night, the first episode of the season. Six months has passed and Alice is still mourning and depressed over losing her true love Dana to an ex. Wow, could we describe my fears to a tee? Cause we're two months in and Robyn's talking to an ex and getting ready to move on, not necessarily with her I suppose but just in general. And me? Still finding myself praying that she'll come into my room and ask me if she could just sleep next to me for the night, just because she missed me.

And its not gonna be me anymore that she starts missing at night, or if it still is it won't be for long. It just hurts, hurts so bad. And I miss her touch so much. I miss the way she looked into my eyes and I knew she loved me. I miss the way that I fell asleep every night was in her arms. I miss her kisses, and I constantly wonder if I'll ever get to experience them again.

So part of me thinks I should start talking to people. Because I can do nothing to get my mind of her, she is the one as far as I'm concerned. I mean I'm being honest with myself, and know I'm just looking for a dating thing if anything honestly, but that's gotten me into trouble before, cause I'm truly a LTR gal and girls tend to rope me in quick. And then again, I now feel like I couldn't even feel justified dating after telling Robyn that I couldn't deal with her dating Melanie. I mean I did tell her that I could deal with it if it was another girl, because of my issues with Melanie, but still. Because my feelings like I should maybe talk to other people aside, I still think I would absolutely lose it if they got serious. Of course I wouldn't try dating someone that would bring up issues with her, but I still just don't think I could even feel justified talking to other people. And god, I really don't want to talk to other people becuase all I really want is her, but every day as I see us grow further apart, and hear her on the phone with the girl, I wonder why I'm not...

I don't know, I'm just so confused. SO confused, all the time. And I'm holding myself together, none of this stuff has come out in tears, its just all a huge fucking mess and I don't know what to do anymore. And no matter how crazy all that sounded, coming in that semi flow-of-consciousness style, I really am doing so well at getting better...there are just days where my mind won't quit....

current mood: blank

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2:01 pm
Why is it that what makes me happy is to make others happy? And then if I end up not making them as happy as I intended, I feel bad, like I did something wrong. Why is my happiness so dependent upon others? And why don't people just realize, my intentions are never anything but good...

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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
12:50 am - mid weekend update...
i want to have sex so bad i could scream. that's all for now.

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Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
4:33 pm - An update...and one slightly different from the other recent-ish ones!
Well, I'm kinda having a hard day. Best part about having a hard day? Its one of the first fairly hard days I've gone through in awhile...hence the lack of updating. I think that Iuse my journal to vent when I'm stressed and upset, and when I'm happy and doing my thing I just almost forget about it altogether, weird.

And my hard day pretty much doesn't stem from Robyn, crazily enough. I've been in training for work the last two days, and it has been a lot of very graphic pictures and videos of abused children and offenders and whatnot. I've just become really sad and disgusted by it. I'm just so upset and sad about the things that happen to children, all the time every day. It screws them up for the rest of their lives, and there isn't enough people in the world to protect them. It absolutely breaks my heart.

And talking about all the types of abused and values and other things that children adopt from witnessing or experiencing this abuse has been hard for me. I'm realizing how much abuse I witnessed when I was a child and how much it has affected every part of me for probably the rest of my life. I've always felt responsible for everything, never felt worthy of being loved, and always put myself in situations where I just take abuse from people, verbally and emotionally of course. And I always feel like I'm responsible for it, deserve it, and/or have to fix it. I don't know, just coming to terms with all of this is making me really sad.

On another note, things have been going well with Robyn, and we're moving apart healthily, but I was confronted with a journal entry today that pretty much sent chills through my spine. She wasn't rude, or unentitled to what she said, I just don't exactly know how to deal with it. She's talking about dating again. Fine I suppose, she moves on quickly, I can't fault the girl for that. But she's contemplating dating Melanie. The one girl I've always felt second best to, and definitely feel that way now more so than ever I think since I'm visualizing being the ex and her being the next girlfriend. And my mind takes it further, but I don't need to go there, for myself or for anyone else. The thing is I don't actually think I can handle Robyn dating her because of all the other emotional responses that will occur in me because of the person it is. And I hate that. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be okay with her, because if she makes Robyn happy then I suppose that's all I can ask for. But at the same time, it just scares me, cause I won't be able to handle it, and I don't know what that will mean for us.

Rough day, want it to end.

current mood: morose

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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
3:00 pm
she called to say hi.

i inevitably end up making her upset because i clearly am.

now i've ruined her day and part of her grade for her class by taking up all of her time. i'm sure an angry or upset rant about me will appear soon, cause i don't stop hurting her even though i don't mean to.

worst part? i was glad she called. i wanted to hear her voice today.

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12:24 pm - confusion
Not okay at all today. Suprise, suprise. Think I'll just leave it at that.

current mood: sad

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Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
7:53 pm
Robyn came home from work and brought me two carnations. It made me feel amazing. I can now say I had a good Valentine's Day. :-)

And I got an invitation to an awards banquet for CASA of Columbus in the mail, and an insert telling me that I'm being recognized for an award! How cool is that?

current mood: content

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